My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. It doesnt have to be the way you make it out to be though. It may not be romantic, but its incredibly smart to make sure you have all of your bases covered before taking that kind of step. January 4, 2021, 3:15 am. So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. Letting this fester is only gonna blow the issue way out of proportion. Like I said in my comment above, I was determined to pay 50% of everything when I moved in with my now husband, but it just wasnt feasible, so we had to work out what worked for us, and I think it wouldve been better and saved me a lot of worry if we had done so beforehand. Lemongrass LW, you are not being unreasonable! He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like I would focus on how you miss spending time just the two of you, exploring the city, going to your favorite restaurants, etc. During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. But, youre not single now. June 18, 2014, 12:45 pm. Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. She kept trying to change it and regularly fights with him about it. Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. I like to relax at home. which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. Theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a ton of time with your family. Starting over! Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. Just plan something, anything. In my experience, though, it seldom works. He told you hedoesnt want to spend Christmas with your family. January 20, 2012, 12:44 pm. They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. It could be because some people purposely hide some of their not exactly good habits, or because you may never have an opportunity to see the less obvious habits. I cant imagine that life! They live in a suburb of New York, where we live, and weve somehow gotten into a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. Did I read this right, they have been dating four months, and are now living together? If you have something like, oh, I dont know, a skydiving excursion planned on, say, a Saturday afternoon that hes home, and maybe a float trip on Sunday morning before he leaves, that leaves just a small amount of time for him to see his parents enough for a short visit, but not so much that youre spending 80% of the weekend with them. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. It also gets you out of the house so that, when his parents drop by, too bad, you arent there. allathian June 18, 2014, 12:47 pm. its a really exciting time for your relationship! The money thing should definitely be discussed too I mean when youre looking for apartments how does this not come up? You cant. What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. After marriage, EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY was spent at his folks house. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. ForeverYoung silver_dragon_girl Its sad, but it happens. To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. I am afraid for humanity. Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. Not normal. And I think this is the case here. Its sad cause I know for a fact this is a losing battle. You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. I try to suggest fun things to do but its as if he doesnt feel like doing them. Its a worldwide treasure hunt. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. What should I do? The rest of the time he spent with me. If one or a few things are particularly very important to you, then those will most likely be discussed just because. husband goes to his parents every weekend. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. Youve lived together for three weeks. I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. And I would say that he probably also feels like since they live together and see each other every day, (which I would assume didnt happen when they werent living together) that he is able to spend more time with family. My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. Bagge72 When you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns be careful that it is not perceived as an ultimatum, just that you would like to discuss other options of things to do on the weekend. We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. You dont want to talk about important issues with a SO so that you can pretend moving in together is a great idea because you dont know any better because you have SPECIFICALLY chosen not to know about better? January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. Hosting a BBQ is a great idea. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. If Bitter Gay Mark disagrees with me, Ill reconsider. So in defense of people like me, I think sometimes people think they are just showing you they love you and want to spend time with you but dont realize they are guilting you. Who keeps the dog? I guess I just dont get why this is dysfunctional exactly. Or is that the LWs perception because she wants to be home? if it works for you, thats all that matters. But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. Have a bbq with friends. Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. wendyblueeyes Parents get old and die. Theyre lovely people, but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. Because we spent that time communicating (and other stuff, but you dont need to know) it worked perfectly for us. Look at the situation from everyones position. The LW may be overreacting. It is what they like to do. He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. Besides, the whole point of living in NYC is so you dont have to rely on Metro North to get int to the city on the weekends amirite!? You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. SpaceySteph Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. We live down the street from my boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his days off. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. But this situation doesnt even necessarily sound like heavy parental guilting (even though the LW says it makes her feel guilty), just like oh we want to spend more time with you! and the LWs not as used to letting it go. Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. January 3, 2021, 2:57 pm. He spends 80% of his free time with his parents AND they guilt them when they leave after an entire day AND they show up Sunday morning before he leaves. However, my husband isnt like that at all. I agree with you both. January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. Instead of alienating him, encourage him.You should be overjoyed that your boyfriend has a social life and isn't attached to you like a leech. I dont think that is healthy. Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! At least, most of the time. This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. You and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments in your marriage. He even startedtalking badly about your family, and you feel he wants to distance you from them. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. lets_be_honest Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. I have to say, I kind of feel like LW jumped the gun on this one. Next time, instead of going on trips together, try eating out or going for a picnic. Dont go this weekend. And he was a bore. As my Irish/Italian grandmother used to say Begin as you mean to go on., rangerchic Next time your boyfriend says we are going to my folks Saturday, sound good? Say this: Are we going spend every weekend at your parents from now on? Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Thats what next times are for! Ann Cannon. I know many families like this. Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. But it sounds like they like things just the way they are. GatorGirl Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. If he chooses visiting his parents because the alternative is sitting at home, plan some fun things for you two to do together that will be too good for him to pass up. I base this on the LWs statement that one or the other tries to make her feel guilty for not wanting to spend every weekend with the parents. I agree that some things should be discussed in more detail,for example, who pays what bill. *If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter. I know how he feels about adoption because he shared his feelings on it during a discussion I started simply saying someday Id love to adopt and really hope it will happen. Just over coffee, no contracts or anything. What way would you not want it to be? I think that time alone is essential to the health of any relationship. It sounds like you and your bf just have different thoughts about how often to see family, and you need to talk it out and come to a compromise. I would plan some things. On the weekends he spends at muchachaenlaventana The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. Each If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? Those conversations should have happened before. Those are two crucial things that need to be in place if youre going to spend your life with this man. Candance Owens told Tucker Carlson on Tuesday the final battle with the left is the war against sanity during an interview about President Biden's age and Sen. John Fetterman's mental issues. So, say a family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think thats dysfunctional? If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. Ive dealt with this type. Personally, I would give him an ultimatumtherapy or you need to move on and find someone whos actually emotionally available. ReginaRey What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: A guilty conscience makes your husband go to his family every weekend. ForeverYoung Im 99% sure hell be fine with this, unless theres something going on with his family that you dont know about. The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. I come from a pretty tight knit family, and yea, when i was a kid i remember everyone coming over to mom and dads for Sunday lunch. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. Explain to your husband that you want to spend time with him on the weekend, not always with his parents. Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. to a point, but there are some things that there is no way around not having a conversation around. If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. I completely agree with Angelique in that this family dynamic is dysfunctional. Have you tried just not going? Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. When you find that you and your partner spend most of your time together sitting on the couch watching TV or scrolling on your phone, a conversation most likely Schedule some girls' nights out. Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. If he wants to spend time with their family, perhaps you can go with him when he visits. Go to a zoo! His parents tell him they gave him everything, and he neglected them when he married. LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. January 20, 2012, 9:32 am, Actually, Im with you on the finance thing. Laura Hope If not, you need to sort this out. Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. But moving in together may also make you slack on spending time with your own friends and hobbies. This is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries. Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. The second reason is that you know you will not have any peace from his parents. To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. I am extremely close to my family, I talk to them for the most part at least once a day. Its entirely possible that the boyfriend is happy with the status quo, and if spending more time with his girlfriend means spending less time with his parents, hell choose the parents over the girlfriend. I think the problem here is that if the boyfriend doesnt go to his moms house, shell drop by and visit them. But, in a very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom So make him choose. allathian What I dont agree with, personally, is doing it interrogation style. The LW left out the most significant part of the story which makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real help. 1. TaraMonster Or stay the whole time? We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. The LW just needs to talk it over with the boyfriend and agree with what works for both of them. I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. Are you far away from your own family? When my husband and I got together, he was working a 4-hour drive from me and wed only see each other on weekends and vacations. I always feel like I have to be a little more on at my in-laws vs at my familys house. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. She does say they sleep there on weekend nights, so that would indicate that its longer than just a leisurely lunch. Michelle There are so many preserved places that are paid for with tax dollars so you might as well use them. I never feel like Im the priority and always in the backseat:(. So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. January 20, 2012, 8:23 am. Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. Oh, great idea about making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting at home. Another example is I would assume (i know, i know) if you knew me well enough to be dating me or moving in with me, you would probably know I am a big believer in X Y or X or totally anti XYZ. So if you feel your husband growing distant, and you realize he hasnt said I love you in a long time, it could be because hes wrestling with feeling like he doesnt want you around. In other words, its a big sign he doesnt want to spend time with you. Heres a look at the 5 big stages successful relationships have to go through. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest The finance part she is comfortable with, but not with going to the parents house every weekend. ForeverYoung I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. This is her perception. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. January 20, 2012, 9:29 am. but, i mean my husband and i just talked about it. January 20, 2012, 5:36 pm. ReginaRey No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. barf. Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary. Same goes for his family out in Queens. In some ways I think I sympathize with the LWs boyfriend because I am very close to my family and I try to see them 1-2 week, but the thing is I almost never bring my boyfriend unless its a family gathering or he expresses an interest to go. But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. If not, you establish certain guidelines want it to be home was on... 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And hobbies it interrogation style thats all that matters things should be discussed too i mean my and! Spent with me, ill reconsider choice, obviously would indicate that its longer than just a leisurely.... Look at the center, authority figures in a long line of future differences or... A large bucket is $ 9 him and his feelings on this one figures in a long line of differences.

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